DS: Christina, while many of our patterns regarding our relationships with others have a positive contribution and ascend us to higher levels of consciousness, there are some others that make us suffer and deplete our energy. I am referring to certain negative emotions and when we have a hard time accepting responsibility for our negative decisions triggered by an external stimulus. For instance, in some cases, when I get angry I may try to forcefully change others, so they can fit my expectations.

CR: Dimitri, to truly support people in their own growth, transformation, grief, etc., we can’t do it by taking their power away (ie. trying to fix their problems), shaming them (ie. implying that they should know more than they do) or overwhelming them (i.e.. giving them more information than they’re ready for).

We must be prepared to step to the side so that they can make their own choices, offer them unconditional love and support, give gentle guidance when it’s needed, and make them feel safe even when they make mistakes.

DS: I do understand that this takes practice, sincerity, patience and perseverance. It is not always so easy to step aside; give gentle guidance and name the exact emotion one feels; besides they are so many underlying emotions in need of awareness. What can we do during a difficult situation? I have read that some of the great coaches and facilitators will “hold space” for someone who is in an emotional turmoil. Could you provide some advice?

CR: Holding space is not something that’s exclusive to facilitators, coaches. It is something that ALL of us can do for each other – for our partners, children, friends, neighbors, and even strangers who strike up conversations as we’re riding the bus to work.

Here are some tips:

1.  Give people permission to trust their own intuition and wisdom.

2. Give people only as much information as they can handle.

3. Don’t take their power away.

When we take decision-making power out of people’s hands, we leave them feeling useless and incompetent. People need the autonomy to make their own choices (even our children).

4. Keep your own ego out of it. This is a big one.

We all get caught in that trap now and then – when we begin to believe that someone else’s success is dependent on our intervention, or when we think that their failure reflects poorly on us, or when we’re convinced that whatever emotions they choose to unload on us are about us instead of them.

5. Make them feel safe enough to fail.

When people are learning, growing, or going through grief or transition, they are bound to make some mistakes along the way. When we, as their space holders, withhold judgment and shame, we offer them the opportunity to reach inside themselves to find the courage to take risks and the resilience to keep going even when they fail.

6. Give guidance and help with humility and thoughtfulness.

A wise space holder knows when to withhold guidance (i.e.. when it makes a person feel foolish and inadequate) and when to offer it gently (i.e.. when a person asks for it or is too lost to know what to ask for).This is a careful dance that we all must do when we hold space for other people. Recognizing the areas in which they feel most vulnerable and incapable and offering the right kind of help without shaming them takes practice and humility.

7. Create a container for complex emotions, fear, anger, etc.

6. When people feel that they are held in a deeper way than they are used to, they feel safe enough to allow complex emotions to surface that might normally remain hidden. Someone who is practiced at holding space knows that this can happen and will be prepared to hold it in a gentle, supportive, and nonjudgmental way.

While it is difficult to observe those that we love deeply, struggling with their life path, it is always good to remind ourselves that whatever point we are in life we have a reference to lean on.

6. We need only look back over our own past challenges and experiences and notice how naturally our life flowed from one milestone to the next, one place to the next, and from one circumstance to the next. How effortless life might be if we only know where our path is leading us, most of us don’t live at that level of the soul however we must accept that we live in a loving Universe.

We live in a very organized Universe and one that is always supporting us for our best and for our highest good. Surrounding others with love and holding space will bring balance to that empty space filling it with peace happiness and joy.

…Love and blessings

Christina and Dimitri

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