Creating happiness is not a matter of seeking to control all the experiences which come our way. It is a matter of how we choose to respond to our experiences in life. It is our responsibility to respond well. Emotions such as such fear and anxiety destroy our peace of mind, our happiness, our relationships and our effective mental functioning.

When triggered, our auto response human mechanisms kick in much like a computer running a software program. These various experiences pass through our belief system in an attempt to identify and evaluate what is happening. The mind checks for our past experiences, and the beliefs which have been created from them. For example, is this “a good or a bad experience?” Is it “a positive or a negative experience?” It tries to determine what is happening, what has happened or might happen. It also informs us in relation to, “is this reassuring or threatening to our well being?”.

Our perceptions and our emotions are totally subjective and dependent on our beliefs.  And, our beliefs are a product of our past conditioning, programming and experiences. Our habitual reactive responses come from out beliefs and do not allow us to feel happiness in all of our experiences. At least until we are free from this past conditioning.

HOW WE USUALLY SEEK HAPPINESS

The average person has been programmed to seek happiness by attempting to control the persons, events and situations.  In this way, he hopes to create a perfect environment in which everyone behaves the way he wants. He also wants events to occur in such a way so as to repeatedly verify his ego. This means verifying his sense of security, satisfaction and self worth all of which are superficial and quite vulnerable.

Most people believe that they will obtain happiness when they are able to find the perfect relationship, job, home, etc. Very few, if any, persons have found happiness in this way. Most have found happiness by learning to be content with what they have at various stages of their life process. This does not mean ceasing every effort towards improving the external factors in our lives.  Instead, it does mean learning to accept those factors as they are, while we simultaneously seek to improve them.

REPROGRAMMING CHILDHOOD CONDITIONING

To release ourselves from this childhood conditioning we will need to reprogram our sub-conscious. We will need to examine our belief systems and change them to serve us better as adults.  We will need to first free ourselves from the beliefs which cause hurtful emotions. In order to do that, we need to be able, through self-observation and self-discovery, to ascertain which belief is creating each emotion.

Once we have established the emotions, beliefs, and core beliefs, the next step is to search for the experiences which may have contributed to the creation of those beliefs. For some persons, these may be easily accessible.  Others may need more time and a series of techniques in order to get in touch with what happened in the past. For many, their past experiences may have created the particular sensitivity or vulnerability which is now causing them to overreact. A surprising number of people remember the events which have taken place, but are not able to see the connection. This is because they simply do not to understand the logic of child within them.

UNDERSTANDING the CHILD WITHIN

The child’s logic that actually experienced those events is very different than the logic we have as adults. It makes a big difference in how we perceive and interpret the same events. I have seen cases in which children’s logic has told them that they are responsible for all kinds of past events. It might have been their parent’s divorce, or a parent’s death, or a parent’s illness, and a host of other things that might have happened. It could even be related to siblings or strangers.

For example: a child does not have the logic to realize that a parent may not have time or the emotional complacency to give the child attention. The same is true for affection or love because the parent needs to work long hours. I might be because a parent has problems or is blocked emotionally. The only assumption that the child can make is that he is not worthy of attention and love. The child also assumes that they will not have love and attention in life because they are not worthy.  In such cases, the child will create a reality corresponding to those beliefs.

Let’s look at a child who is abused or abandoned or manipulated or suppressed by those who “love” him and whom he loves.  This child naturally and subconsciously “logically” identifies love with abuse, abandonment or suppression. It is natural then to fear close love relationships. This child’s logic cannot tell him that this was one isolated incident and not all relationships will be like this. Thus, they are not always able to see the relationship between what they have experienced in the past and what is bothering them today. This takes practice and help, and of course the desire to know and get free.

The DIFFICULTY in SEEING OUR LOVED ONES SUFFER

One of the most difficult tests for a coach is to see some one we care for suffer. We want help them.  In some cases, we may feel we know the solutions to their problems.  If it is a member of our family or a close friend, this test is even more difficult. We often are forced by life to witness our loved one’s self destruction or create senseless pain for them selves. We feel helpless trying to get them to make the changes necessary in order to improve their situation.

In such cases, it is essential that we see the other as immortal divine beings in a process of evolution. They are passing through exactly the situations which are necessary in order to cultivate their inner spiritual qualities. The process can be also described as the evolution of thought forms or beliefs. We and the others suffer because the time has come to let go of some old beliefs and move on to other more evolved ones.

Our suffering will continue until we allow this process to take place. We cannot do this for another, and no one can do this for us. Thus, we may have to simply wait for some people to suffer enough from their old beliefs, until they are ready to make the change. No matter how much we think we know, or how much we love someone, we cannot decide on the time they will be ready for change. What we can do is hold a loving space for others to find their way, in their own time.

…. Love and Light, Christina