The Ability to Effective Communication is Lacking

To be clear, we have not been educated in how to communicate openly and honestly. An “I” message is a form of communication in which we effectively express to someone what is happening inside of us. In this way we help the other to understand us and our feelings, needs, thoughts and actions.

We often communicate with others making “you” statements.  For example, we accuse the other of being wrong, evil or unacceptable. When we do this, he feels hurt, rejected, endangered and angry. Thus, we put him on the defensive. Most often, his habitual reaction is that he stops hearing what we are saying. He feels the need to protect himself. It’s very unlikely, that when we communicate with someone in this way, we able to create an open, loving, supporting relationship.

Our Role Models Were Poor Examples

As children, we learn through imitation. We tend to create problems similar to those that existed in our childhood role models. If our parents were self-suppressing and non-communicative, we tend do the same. If they were competitive and aggressive, we are likely to act in a similar way. In some cases, but still out of reaction, we may do the opposite. Keep in mind that this is also a programming. If we are having communication problems with our loved one, it is helpful to work on transforming our childhood experiences. What we believe to be a problem with our spouse, may actually be simply a projection of a problem we had with one of our parents. 

Unwillingness to Taking Responsibility

It is true, that our beliefs create our reality. If we want a new reality, we will need to change our beliefs about ourselves, others and the world around us. The other is not responsible for our feelings. No one can make you feel anything. Therefore, it will do no good whatsoever to blame the other for what we are feeling. He or she will just harden their stance and stay that way. No one likes to be criticized or blamed. Even if we know that we are wrong, we do not like to admit it as long as we are being blamed.

Attachment to Needs and Expectations

Somehow, many of us believe that the other, in some magical way, is going to supply us with what is lacking within us. The truth is, no one can give us inner love, security or self-worth. Therefore, if we want to create a harmonious relationship, we will first need to be in harmony with ourselves.  We must develop inner security, strength, self-confidence and self-acceptance in all situations.

What Will the Others Think?

Often, we create considerable tension when we want to place limits on or seek to change our loved one’s behavior. Sometimes, we pressure a loved one to change, not because what he is doing is wrong, but because we need approval. This causes the other to feel insecure. When we do this, we are placing our needs for acceptance or recognition above our love. It is better to cultivate acceptance and respect for our loved one. Try to understand and embrace how he or she needs and wants to function. Ask yourself, “What is more important to me, my wanting the other to change or maintaining a deep and loving relationship with my partner?”

Loss of Life Force Energy

Over the years, I have seen a number of relationships fall into disharmony and even separation because one or both of the partners let their energy level fall to a dangerously low level. This lack of energy causes a negative element in relationships. When we do not care for our bodies, minds and spirits, they begin to function defectively, creating negativity for everyone. We have less clarity, less patience, less understanding for others’ needs and problems. A person without energy is naturally ego-centered because he needs to take energy from the other. They are naturally defensive because they feel the needs to protect themselves. When one person in a relationship is in such a state, problems are created for everyone. However, when both are in this state, the relationship cannot endure.

Difficulty Remaining Present

One of the biggest challenges, in our intimate relationships, is that we do not live in the present moment. Over the years, we have formed a mental image of who the other is and now we see our image and not the person. This image is unfortunately permeated with many misunderstandings and wrong assumptions concerning the other. The truth is, we have created this image and this reality, through our inner subjective beliefs and programming.

We seem to distort our perception of reality and often assume the motives of our partner. There seems to be, a tendency to hold a running account of how many times the other has hurt or disappointed us. When this happens, we interact with our partner, having this “balance sheet” hanging in front of our eyes. Holding on to the hurt of the past prevents us from seeing who the other actually is in the present. This accumulated resentment or feeling of injustice obstructs our clear perception and communication in the present.

Difficulty Imagining Harmony  

So often, many of us cannot imagine a harmonious relationship. This may be because we have experienced negative childhood role models. Or perhaps, we have lived for so long in a negative relationship or have had a series of negative relationships that we cannot imagine ourselves in a positive one.

Some of us have difficulty in imagining a positive relationship. In such a case, we should realize that our own negative thoughts are a serious obstacle toward creating a happy relationship. It may seem that the other is the aggressive one who is doing injustice to us. The truth is, as long as we are unable to imagine a more positive reality, our negative expectations are responsible for what is happening.

Struggling with Inner Conflicts

Sometimes, our inner conflicts show up as externalized conflicts with our loved ones. When this happens, our beliefs, needs, values or desires that are conflicted within us, are often projected onto those around us. This is especially true for those closest to us.

For example, we believe they are in conflict with us, limiting or resisting us, when in reality, one part of ourselves is limiting or resisting another. Therefore, when we harbor feelings of resentment or blame toward the other, they in turn feel abused.

So, even though, we may believe the other is conflicting with us, the reality is that we are conflicting with ourselves. When we have come to an inner reconciliation between our various conflicting needs and beliefs, we will find that the external conflict will disappear.

When Our Needs Conflict 

Consider that, the differing needs and ways in which men and women think, feel and behave often lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. The upside is, that these problems can be excellent growth situations if handled maturely and lovingly. If not, they can lead to chronic conflict, isolation or separation.

It is our different needs, or more often, our different ways of satisfying the same needs, that brings us into conflict. Therefore, it is very common for two or more people who have exactly the same needs, to have different perceptions as to how they can or should fulfill those needs.

Relationships Can Function as Schools for Love

If we do not let go of our ego, our selfishness, our smallness and open up into love, we will continue suffering over and over again. Without love there is no harmony, no happiness. We have two choices. We can look at our relationship problems as opportunities to learn more about ourselves and grow free from our imbalances and change. This change will be a movement in our own spiritual evolution. It will be a movement from I and mine to we and ours; from ego-centeredness to love. The other option is to continue suffering.

May we always remain present in our relationships, with the stick ability to work through our issues together. Through the process of self-discovery, we can learn to create and maintain Extraordinary Relationships

…. Love and Light, Christina